(An edited version of this article was published in the December 2019 issue of Vedanta Kesari, the monthly magazine published from Ramakrishna Math, Chennai.)
With the changing dynamics between individuals and social structures like family, society, country and religion, and between men and women, for various reasons, marriage is being seen more as an option than as a mandate. This has raised the eyebrows of people who want to adhere to traditions. In this article, we try to explore the situation without being judgmental. We try to understand the institution of marriage and family, the changing paradigms society and the challenges going forward.
Goals of Individuals and Marriage
If a person is given 10 lakhs rupees and asked how he would like to spend it, he would give answers like “I will invest it”, “I will go on a travel”, “I will buy a car”, “I will give in charity”, etc. He may even say, “I will not take it”. All the answers can be broadly grouped under four heads:
- wealth creation, security, livelihood, health, etc.
- entertainment, luxuries, enjoyment, fun, adventure, leisure, hobbies, etc.
- charity, social service, protection of environment, etc.
- knowledge, devotion, renunciation, freedom, etc.
This applies not only to spending money. If a person is asked how he would like to spend a paid vacation of three months, the answers can be grouped into the same heads. If a person is asked why he is working or why he is doing a certain action, the answers also will fall under one or more of these groups. This applies to any human pursuit.
These groups are called “Purusharthas” – “Human Goals”. They are “artha”, “kama”, “dharma” and “moksha” respectively. These are mentioned in several places in our Scriptures. Even the colours in the Indian flag – green (artha and kama), white with the wheel of dharma (dharma) and saffron (moksha) – point to these categories.
As every individual has these as his or her goal, every social institution is designed to enable people to help each other in the pursuit of their individual goals. Family, neighbourhood, city, country, corporates, government, social service institutions, religions, schools and colleges are all designed to help people pursue their goals. Of these, the family is a very important social institution. Even within all the relationships in a family, the relationship between the husband and wife is a unique one. It is the closest in all ways.
Husband and wife help and support each other in all the four pursuits. To a husband, his wife is “saha-artha-charini” (partner in pursuit of artha), “saha-kama-charini”, “saha-dharma-charini” and “saha-moksha-charini”. They share and support each other in their wealth, home, friends, entertainment, travels, charity activities and spiritual pursuit. The social conventions, legal system, financial system, religious rituals and other such entities are fully aligned to this close relationship between husband and wife.
Unique Relationship
Of the relations that we have, some are friends and some are family. Friends are the ones that we choose. We choose our friends based on common interests and pursuits. As we chose to have the relationship, we have the freedom to terminate the relationship anytime. Family comes to us without any freedom of choice. We do not have the freedom to choose our parents, brothers, sisters, children, uncles, aunts and cousins. As we did not choose the relationship, we have no option to drop it. We may stay away from people with whom we don’t get along well, but we cannot deny or disown the relationship.
Amidst these, the relationship between husband and wife is unique. In most cases till a few decades back and even today, it is an “arranged marriage”. Thus, it directly falls under the “family” category instead of the “friend” category. Just as a person does not choose his parents, siblings or children, he does not choose his wife too. The same applies to the woman also. Husband is also a choiceless relationship. The marriage is not between two individuals. It is an alliance between two families. It is the two families that decide to form a relationship with each other through the marriage. This has its advantages like quicker adjustment by the couple and more stability. A stable marriage gives peace of mind and a conducive environment to young children and old people. It also has its problems if the couple are not well suited.
From time immemorial, the other way is also in practice. The relationship starts as a “friendship”. Initially, they choose to spend time together based on their common interests and pursuits. When they find that they want to continue this relationship lifelong and want to extend this relationship to more domains of life, they decide to get married. Then is the crucial moment of converting into a “friendship” into a “family”. The families of both should agree. More important than that is this: both individuals should completely drop the idea of “choice” and move into a mindset of a “choiceless” relationship. If this conversion of attitude is not done, it is always a threat to the stability of the marriage. When the relationship is accepted as choiceless, automatically the couple will do mutual adjustments and compromises in the areas where there is a mismatch of personal interests and conveniences. Most breakdowns of marriage happen when this conversion of attitude is not done.
Thus, the fundamental secret of a successful marriage is the attitude and practice of compromising individual personal conveniences and preferences for the welfare and happiness of the spouse and family.
Collectivism vs Individualism
Collectivism is the social philosophy that the interests of the whole is more important than the interests of individuals. There is a popular saying, “The interests of an individual can be sacrificed for the family. The interests of a family can be sacrificed for the city. The interests of a city can be sacrificed for a country. The interests of a country can be sacrificed for the world.” There is the famous speech given in 1961 by John F. Kennedy, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” Individualism is the social philosophy that the interests of the individual is more important than the interests of the whole. Post-modern liberalism is characterized by a huge emphasis on individualism. The counterculture that started in US and Europe during the 1960s was a huge movement to move away from collectivism. It brought huge changes in the societies all over the world. Many creative geniuses were a product of the movement. However, they were mostly exceptions than the norm. Many people’s lives were wasted away in aimless travel, sex, drugs and diseases because of them.
Collectivism wants individuals to follow set norms to serve the cause of the society by sacrificing their individual freedom. In the West, the society gives a lot of freedom to the individual. But religion tries to fit people into straight jackets. In the East, the society tries to restrict people’s freedom. But religion and spirituality are individual pursuits. In the words of Swami Vivekananda, “There cannot be any growth without liberty. Our ancestors freed religious thought, and we have a wonderful religion. But they put a heavy chain on the feet of society, and our society is, in a word, horrid, diabolical. In the West, society always had freedom, and look at them. On the other hand, look at their religion.” (CW-IV-367) Even the relatively free society of the West was found suffocating by many people of US and Europe. They realized that governments had pushed innocent common people to fight in two World Wars and others like the Vietnam War. There was a strong movement for Black empowerment. People lost faith in the religion as propagated by the Church. Corporates were seen as sucking the life out of their employees and money out of their customers. Overall, there was a strong revolution against all kinds of institutions. People were looking for a way to break out of all these.
People became fascinated by the free spirituality and ascetic life of Hinduism and Buddhism. This made Yoga, Vedanta, Bhakti movements and Buddhism very popular among the people of the counterculture. Many people who were initially attracted by the counterculture, including a few famous people like George Harrison, John Lennon and Steve Jobs, found their way through Indian spirituality. Many Indian Gurus traveled to the West to cater to the lost people of the counterculture. Many Westerners came to India in search of spirituality.
Rising Individualism in India
A similar counterculture is now knocking the doors of Indian society, though, thankfully, not as revolutionary, but more evolutionary in nature. Many youths of India are proudly proclaiming themselves as anti-institution and as “left liberal”. The Indian society has been known to adapt, though at times slowly, to changing times.
The economic liberalization of 1991 has psychologically opened up liberalization in other fronts also. The caste barriers could not be broken easily by previous laws and enforcement. Today, the vibrant city-based economy is breaking those barriers. Joint families have become exceptions than the norm. Many couples are choosing not to have children. Couples do not want to take care of their parents and grandparents, resulting in mushrooming of old-age homes. This results in dependency on children’s day care centers for children to stay when both parents are working. Huge number of young people stay away from home to work in big cities. This results in huge number of bachelor accommodations in cities. This changes the demography and culture of various pockets of big cities. Multinationals pay huge salaries to very young people, who do not know how to spend the money. As they stay away from family as bachelors, they have a lot of time in their hands. This results in rampant consumerism and inflation in cities. Restaurants and food delivery have increased. Cities provide various entertainment like standup comedies, theatre, movies, concerts, trekking, adventure, classes on cooking, pottery, music, dance, painting, reading, writing, etc. Still, there has been an increase in partying and consumption of alcohol. When young men move alone from conservative villages to progressive cities, they find it difficult to face the shock of sudden exposure to the progressive city culture. This results in increased crime against women. Heavy competition to get a good job and within the workplace is making people more and more individualistic. As a part of this huge liberalization movement, decriminalization of live-in relationships, unconventional sexual orientations and adultery have been some of the recent judgments of Indian courts. All this is changing the face of Indian society, especially in the cities.
Effect of Individualism on Society
Extreme individualism makes a person pursue only personal goals without having any sense of obligation to the society. This is a very selfish attitude. No one can claim to be a self-made person. Biologically, no human child can survive without the loving care during the initial several years. No one can claim freedom from obligation to the society unless he is a Mowgli or Tarzan. Even in that case, he would be obliged to wolves or apes. Of the four purusharthas, if a person seeks only the first two, he is no different from an animal. He has no place in a human society. Even an animal society expects the individuals to give back to the society.
Soft individualism has its benefits. It makes the society to progress faster by breaking free of the binding old restrictions. It has resulted in a lot of youth getting charged up against the old institutions and their ways. The breakdown of the old forced collectivism has given rise to a new voluntary collectivism. Rallies for environment, anti-corruption movements, youth’s support for new experiments in politics, cleanliness drives, tree plantation drives, donation drives during calamities, etc. have resulted from the new collectivism. Social media has acted as a great catalyst in this.
People who are extremely individualistic do not typically get into any relationship, including a live-in relationship. They cannot commit to anyone else. In case they get into a relationship, whether a marriage or a live-in, it will not last long. Any relationship needs a certain amount of selflessness.
Commitments of Living Together
When a couple get married, they are making commitments to various entities. Every commitment gives them some responsibilities and some benefits.
- Legal commitment – Marriage is a legal process. This gives the legal right to grow children – own or adopted. It gives the framework to the couple to jointly own wealth. This gives the laws governing inheritance of wealth. It gives legal assistance if the couple are not keeping up with their other commitments. In case of separation, it ensures alimony, support for children, etc.
- Social commitment – Marriage is a social commitment to take care of old people and children. Family is the smallest unit of a society and this is founded on marriage. The family gives old people and children a safe, nurturing and caring environment. Taking care of financial, physical, educational, medical, emotional, moral, psychological, etc. needs of the old people and children is the responsibility of the couple who are at the center of the family. In return, the couple get their own emotional, medical and physical needs taken care of.
- Religious commitment – In most traditions, the vows of marriage are made in a religious ceremony. Thus, marriage becomes a religious commitment. Marriage entitles the couple to participate in religious rituals together. Some rituals are exclusively for couples.
- Mutual commitment – The couple have a commitment to each other. They support each other financially, sexually, emotionally and psychologically. They help each other running the household. They also help each other in the pursuit of their respective individual goals. Chastity is a mutual commitment. They have a mutual commitment against adultery.
When a couple decide to live together without marrying, they are foregoing the legal, social and religious commitments. They want to stick only to the mutual commitment. Although today the law gives almost the same legal protection to even live-in relationships, the couple who decide on this don’t usually seek it. They feel separation is easier without a legal process. The trend of individualism has separated the individuals from their families. So, they don’t want the marriage to be only between the two people and not between the two families. They don’t want the “free gift” of in-laws along with the spouse. They want to “try out” the relationship before committing their respective families into it. In the West, often after living together for a few years, the couple get married when they decide to extend the relationship and want to have children. Many youths have no faith in religious rituals. So, they have no stigma in dropping the religious commitment.
Even if they forego the legal, social and religious commitments, they stick to the mutual commitment. They support each other and are loyal to each other. Without this commitment, the live-in relationship cannot exist. They can participate in social service activities also. Often it is a common social cause based on a new collectivism that brings the couple together. They would want to support their parents, if the parents are fine with it. In fact, they want to lead a normal social life in all other respects.
Thus, it is a not a completely random relationship without any commitment. It is the result of individualism where commitments are chosen instead of being imposed.
Challenges of Living Together
The Indian society has not yet accepted live-in relationships fully. It is still an exception. This creates problems in other social circles like family, workplace, neighbourhood, etc. For example, getting a house on rent may be challenging. In a closely-knit family system like in India, it can affect the marriage potential of siblings and cousins. Government documentation like Aadhar, Passport, Visa, Family card, etc. depend on a legally registered relationship.
The biggest challenge is conversion of the relationship from “friendship” to “family”. Both individuals should completely drop the idea of “choice” and move into a mindset of a “choiceless” relationship. Without this conversion, the relationship rests on a weak foundation. Mutual commitment can be stronger with a family member than with a friend.
If the couple want to support their parents, it can create problems of acceptability. If they want to have children, a stable family is essential for the wellbeing of the children. A potential instability in marriage can psychologically affect the children in a very bad way.
Considering all these factors, a person can think and decide his or her position on this important social trend which may become more prevalent in the future.